Before
returning to July 7th, 2007, I'd like to fast forward to October 10th,
2010. This day was the last day of a weekend retreat for young
adult Catholics,
marking my formal reentry into the Catholic Church. It was during this
retreat that I felt Him calling me to make a formal confession to a
priest for the sins I’d committed over the prior years.
Having spent many years in various protestant
Christian communities, I was accustomed to the peace I'd find through
simply asking for God’s forgiveness with a sincere heart, being
determined not to commit the same sins. This was often stressful for
me however; I lacked the additional grace that confession before a priest
confers, not only towards avoiding the same sins through being more
accountable, but for the sense of
completion the act creates.
Rather, I’d often be left concluding I’d received forgiveness by the ability of my own mind, or the feelings of sincerity I could create. Moreover, in not having someone like a priest, someone who dedicates themselves to God, imploring God's mercy on our behalf, I’d often struggle to find the determination not to commit the same sins. I’d come up with reasons and excuses why such and such is not really sin, and sometimes even question my faith in God altogether, in order to ease my sense of guilt. That’s when someone like me is really in danger of hellfire, as venial sin, or ‘lesser sin’ can lead to more serious, or mortal sins, such as denying God or refusing friendship with Him altogether, just as an unruly child might reject the guidance of a loving father. Indeed,
"Like
a roaring lion your adversary the devil prowls around, looking for
someone to devour."
–St. Peter, 1st
Pope.
During the retreat on 10/10/10, I didn’t feel
pressured to make a formal confession --none of the coordinators or
speakers at the retreat pressured anyone to do so. Rather, Jesus
knocked lightly on the door of my heart... I could feel some of the
pain where the nails pierced his right hand and foot.
As you might imagine, since this was the
first formal Catholic event I’d attended in years, at least where
confession was offered, and having spent so many years convinced that I
could receive God’s forgiveness simply by asking for it with a sincere
heart, finding the courage and conviction for making a formal confession
didn’t come easily. Nonetheless, the mild sensation of pain on my right
hand and foot, as though pierced by the nails of the cross, as though informing
me the Catholic Church is His 'strong right arm,' encouraged me. The pain also reminded me of the
pain sin causes, separating us from Him, the one who loves us so
much that he died for us,
just as a husband and wife would suffer pain
through infidelity.
In addition to these experiences, I also
remembered that Jesus was baptized in order to “fulfill all
righteousness.” If God felt the need to be baptized to "fulfill all
righteousness," who was I, a sinner, to deny that a formal confession to
Him before a priest, someone who has devoted their life to fulfill the call
to chastity, obedience
and sometimes even poverty, is not more righteous? I also received support
from a friend who referenced two Scripture verses, one of which was
John 20:23:
“Jesus said to them again, ‘Peace be with you. As the Father has sent
me, so I send you.’ When he had
said this, he breathed on them and said to them,
‘Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive the sins of any,
they are forgiven them; if you retain the sins of
any, they are retained.’”
The words encouraged me as they upheld the authoritative reasons
behind the Sacrament of Reconciliation.
As expected, the confession went smoothly. I took advantage of the one page “Examination of Conscience”
that was handed out to those interested before going.
The process lasted about five minutes. The priest was very loving,
wise and understanding. The penance prescribed for me was to read part
of the first chapter of St. John's gospel.
Although we may not be able to the feel the
changes that occur in our soul as we grow closer to God, I felt
refreshed. Taking part in the Sacrament of Penance by going to
confession was "wind beneath my wings." The following morning I was
blessed with the opportunity to sing “Lead Me Home,” by Matt Maher. It
was the first time I sang before a large group, about 70 people, nearly
by myself (I sang with the guitarist who led the song), which was
another answered prayer!
For further reading on the insights I've
gained through attending protestant churches over the years, and the
theological perspective I have as a Catholic, please
click here.
God has always desired His people, His bride,
to be pure. He desires each of us to be free from sin, wrong beliefs,
idols and vice, all of which keep us from experiencing the fullness of
His presence and love in each moment. The first commandment is that we
truly love Him first and foremost, with our whole heart, mind, soul and
strength. He is passionately jealous for each of us; He desires to love us as
though we are in a matrimonial relationship with Him, in communion with us as
with Adam and Eve before their disobedience, as with angels and Saints.
When we fail to love Him first, either as
individuals or as a people, we suffer. We’ve seen this throughout
history, the Bible is filled with examples, including that of Solomon,
who married many foreign women and connected Israel with the worship of
idols... "when Solomon was old his wives turned his heart after other
gods; and his heart was not wholly true to the LORD his God" (1 Kings
11:4).
This attitude grew,
eventually leading to division of the 12 tribes, resulting in the 10
Northern tribes, or "Israel," as they called themselves, and the tribe
of Judah (which had absorbed the tribe of Simeon) and a portion of the
tribe of Benjamin. Both tribes were exhiled, the North under Assyria in
722 BC and Judah (the South) to Babylon in 587 BC. As Jeff Cavins, Sarah
Christmyer and Tim Gray state in Session 15 of "The Bible Timeline: The
Story of Salvation:"
"They left God for other gods, broke His commands, and ignored His prophets. Seeking to be like other nations, "they went after false idols, and became false" themselves (2 Kings 17:15). They went so far as to worship the stars, to worship Baal (the pagan god of nature and fertility) and to sacrifice their children in the fire; they practiced divination and sorcery and sold themselves to do evil."